The bogans walk among us

[fragger]

Here's a new word to add to your vocabulary: "Bogan". What is a bogan, you ask? A bogan is - well, should any of you venture to these fair shores, the following is a guide to spotting a bogan:

Appearance
Displays extensive, inexpertly executed and misspelled tattooing accompanied by pieces of metal protruding from various facial extremities. Hair is long and is worn in a ponytail, a "mullet" style, or in rat-tails, and hasn't seen a comb or shampoo since Led Zeppelin broke up. A Van Dyke beard is mandatory. Various teeth are missing and skin resembles ancient papyrus due to years of substance abuse. Body smells like Bigfoot's groin. The men are even worse.

Dress
Likes to wear black T-shirts displaying the names of heavy-metal bands, images of V8 muscle cars, naked or near-naked women, slogans consisting of four-letter words attesting to their sexual prowess, or various combinations of the forgoing. Jeans have been worn to the point of having the tensile strength of rice paper, held up by distressed leather belts clasped with large buckles bearing the logos of either weapons manufacturers or the Harley-Davidson company. Footwear consists of flip-flops (or thongs as they are known here), Doc Martens, or nothing.

Attitude
Bogans believe that the world sucks and so does everyone in it, except for other bogans and anybody who provides them with alcohol.

Language
Vocabulary consists of around thirty words, all of them dirty and none composed of more than six letters, delivered in the cadence of a sleepwalking lobotomy outpatient. Volume of speech and proliferation of profanity is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed, as is the inverse ratio of actual words to gorilla noises.

Intelligence
Approximately that of a sea anemone.

Morality
Would sell own mother into slavery for a case of booze. Works extremely hard at collecting unemployment benefits. When intoxicated will pick a fight with anything that moves, including own reflection.

Mating habits
Will fornicate with anything that doesn't eat them first, including own relatives. Does not suffer from STDs however, as bacteria cannot survive on their genitals.

Religion
Worship of alcohol (and Rugby League football amongst the truly enlightened). Bogans believe that anybody who is not of the bogan faith should go forth and allow themselves to be sexually penetrated.

Literacy
Can only speak when not walking or engaged in any other activity that requires brain activity. Can only read the labels on alcohol bottles and the Rugby League football scores in stolen newspapers. Mathematical ability extends solely to calculating how many beers have been consumed compared to how many were originally purchased, however this ability declines as alcohol consumption increases.

Habitat
Cannot be seen beyond overgrown foliage, rusting V8 muscle car hulks, alcohol containers and wandering offspring. Is only discernable by scent and desperately fleeing rats.

Diet
Alcohol, more alcohol, meat pies, canned baked beans, alcohol, and vaginal discharges. The last is fatal to anyone who is not a bogan.

These then are bogans. Should any of you come here and wish to see bogans in their natural habitat, I can show you some. A trio of them moved in across the street from me the other day.

[nexor]

"damn fraggar",   that's bad........ :o

[mandru]

I see you have an opportunity for a profit here.  Find or have fabricated over sized dog collar studs with a stout self threading screw on the base.

They should be an instant universal hit with the Bogans everywhere who would undoubtedly see them as fashion accessories for their front doors that match their own facial metallic hardware!

An additional hook point is to sell them on the concept that if they get enough of these densely planted on their front door no one (bill collectors and evil blood sucking parasitic landlords for example) can come around at the seriously inconsiderate early hour of 1:00 pm and rudely pound on the door to get their attention and thus waking them intruding on their hangovers.

With the right outlook on your part there's got to be a way to benefit from your new neighbors even if it's just for personal entertainment.


A trio you say?  >:D

Leave two cans of XXXX Gold 12.4% on their doorstep with a note "Welcome to the neighborhood" then knock and run.  Sit back out of range (preferably with a video camera running) and watch the fireworks begin as they negotiate among themselves who gets what.  Who knows you may have a whole series of viral YouTube vids that you can get advertising links signed up living right across the street from you.   8)  :-X

[Art Blade]

bloody 'ell, fragger.  ???

"Across the street" seems to be a doorway to hell, I remember other stories and fantasies involving Molotovs thrown down across from your balcony while eating popcorn. About time to check home security and reinforce your building.

[fragger]

Good plan there mandru Geez, I'm glad you're on my side...

Yep Art, "across the street" sometimes seems to be a good place to stay away from ::)

Actually, it's not that bad. It's only two houses, the ones with the bogans and the one which broadcasts the noisy domestic screaming matches, which still go on from time to time, btw. Why they don't just give it up and go their separate ways I don't know. Surely parting ways and moving would require less energy expenditure.

I sent the initial post here in a fit of pique after The Three Stooges across the street kept waking me up while I was trying to sleep prior to getting up early for w@&k the next day. Venting here seemed a better option than hurling Molotovs across the street and possibly drawing return fire. They've actually been quiet ever since, and in fact I haven't even seen them. Maybe their landlord chucked them out for generating too many noise complaints. I can but hope.

[Art Blade]

chuck in a few Molotovs just to make sure.  >:D

[mandru]

...Or for the same effect without the structural damage...

Spoiler

A bar of soap. 

[fragger]

 

It's worth a try, but they probably wouldn't know what to do with it.

[Art Blade]

tell 'em to suck on it to get a clean high 

[fragger]

I didn't want to start a new topic just for this. Here will do, since it deals with the same sub-genre of human being (with emphasis on the "sub").

In my apartment building is a garbage disposal chute, with a hatch on every floor. Because there are only three apartments per floor, the common lobby area on each floor is quite small. The chute is off-centre in the lobby and is closer to the front doors of the apartments on my side of the building (I can actually reach it while holding my front door open with one foot) but even from the apartments on the other side it's a walk of only about twelve feet. The hatches are like trays that open outwards and down, so that when you put your bag in one and close it the rubbish will drop down the chute.

So today I went to drop my trash down the chute, properly sealed up in a plastic garbage bag as per building regulation. I opened the hatch only to find that the inner area had so much used Christmas wrapping paper stuffed into it that it hadn't gone down the chute. It was up to me to pull it all out, go and get a garbage bag to stuff it all into, seal it up and push it down the chute before I could dispose of my own rubbish.

Now I know that the other two tenants on my floor would never do this. One is a real estate lady about my age who is always beautifully dressed and whose apartment is immaculate, and the other is a businessman who is likewise very well turned-out and also keeps his place, and his car, spotless. They are perfect neighbours and I've come to know them well enough to know that they would never do something like this. Which means that some lazy douche on another floor has gone to the trouble to ride the elevator with arms full of wrapping paper to another floor to get rid of it, probably so that nobody would figure out who it was. The tenants on my floor are permanent residents like myself, and there are a few others scattered around the building, but most of the apartments are holiday rentals that sit vacant for most of the year until holiday periods like this one. I'm sure it was one of these out-of-town slobs who did this.

Two things that strike me about this:

One - It would have been quicker and actually taken less effort to find a plastic bag, stuff the wrapping paper into it and drop it down the chute on this person's own floor than it would have been for them to gather it all up in armfuls, call for the elevator, wait for it to arrive, ride it to another floor, stuff the paper into the chute opening (and it was really wedged in there), then take the elevator back after possibly having to wait for it again.

Two - The irony of finding used Christmas gift-wrapping left where it would inconvenience somebody else and piss them off. The season of giving isn't supposed to include headaches and one's household garbage.

The hippo-like hides of some people never cease to amaze me. I wish I could have caught the bugger (or buggeress) in the act. My Christmas gift to them would have been a bloody good earful and their own trash shoved back into their arms

[Art Blade]

maybe their own chute was already so clogged up that they had to use one on a different floor.

Easier than to free their own chute. :D

[Binnatics]

Dad: "Jeee-zus, son! Get rid of all that Christmas trash quick, before I prolong my hangover and trash your presents down that trash-tube!"
Son: "Oh, please, I'm just trying my new RC Monster truck!"
Mom: "Shut up you filthy viper-breed and do whacha told!"
Son: "Okay, okay, on my way..."

...and so Sonny dear starts collecting the paper and stuffs it away in the hatch. Soon he finds out it doesn't fit all inside, so he howls at his dad: "Dad, the hatch is full, can't get anymore paper in it!"
Dad: "Jééé-zus, son! Think for yourself bloody f@#k-wit, there's more than just one hatch in this building, now bail me alone, you half-pint!!"
And so, Sonny dear drags the rest of the filth to the other floor and fills up that hatch. Straight and simple ^-^

[PZ]

Dang, fragger - you are describing the ever (exponentially) increasing segment of the young population in my area.  ???

They don't contribute to society in any meaningful way, and if you even hinted at using soap, they would have you in court the next week, and litigate you with a jury of their peers.

[fragger]

lol Binn :-X 8)

Same here, PZ. Apparently it's uncool to put your rubbish in a bin, even when you can't walk more than about twenty feet without bumping into one. You ought to see the car parks where I w@&k this time of year - crap everywhere. I find empty Boost Juice containers, soda cans and candy wrappers left on the shelves of our shop with monotonous regularity. And then there are the shopping trolleys left wherever the people who used them last left them despite there being trolley return bays all over the place, people parking wherever they like to avoid the inconvenience of having to use their legs, perfectly able-bodied bums parking in the disabled drivers' spaces...

Don't get me started ::) Actually, I started myself, but I better stop myself before I get really steamed.

[Binnatics]

Don't get me started ::) Actually, I started myself, but I better stop myself before I get really steamed.

[Art Blade]

hehe, I had to grin, too, when I saw that "I started myself"  :-D