featherbrained phrases and how to respond

[Art Blade]

Sometimes I wish I could respond accordingly to some of those mindless people we happen to meet about just anywhere. Here a few situations and not exactly common replies.

John Doe: "I'd like to ask you a question.."
Mike Hunt: "Under which circumstances, exactly?"
or "And I'd like to be on a plane to Hawaii." (and walks away)
or "Not my problem." (and walks away)

John Doe: "Can I ask you something?"
Mike Hunt: "You've just proven that you can." (and walks away)

John Doe: "May I ask you a question?"
Mike Hunt: "You may ask as many questions as you like." (and walks away)
or "D'oh! You just asked 'a question.' See, you just squandered it." (and walks away)
or "No."

John Doe: "Do you know what time it is?
Mike Hunt: (checks watch) "Now I do." (and walks away)
or "No, please tell me."

John Doe: (starting to show their new..) "Please allow me to show you our new.."
Mike Hunt: "Hell NO! You didn't even allow me to take the time to allow you to do that, let alone wait for my decision, so go f*** yourself!"


Let's see what you've got, guys  :-D

[mandru]

Somehow my name has made it onto the old geezer's list and over the last couple years I've started receiving (among other predatory calls) the high pressure preparedness sales call from every funeral home in the area.  In the beginning I ignored them but as there's nothing quite as annoyingly persistent as a mortician who wants to bury you prepaid I've started answering their calls and giving them some rough handling.  I alternate between two stories depending on whether it's a man or a woman sales caller.

Story #1 the female caller:

Interrupting the inevitable word track I turn down their service by saying that I'm part of a long running circle of acquaintances who over the last 110 years have organized to make bodies disappear in the West Desert.  It not only eliminates final expenses I've already put in more than my sweat equity (so to speak) to guarantee that my wife's and my last details will be attended to with more care and respect than I'd get from the caller's firm.

The typical response is an appalled "You can't do that!"

To which I respond "You know Hun, that's what those of us in the circle have been told by people like you for the last 100 or so years but a dead person really doesn't care about your opinion."  Then I hang up. - Click!


Story #2 the male caller:

Again interrupting their word track I let them know that I am very aware of a trend developing over the last four or five years nationally where there have been over a million reported cases of prepaid funeral services and burial plots being refused because of big name racketeers in the industry buying out funeral homes (often back and forth).  This allows the crooks to say to the bereaved spouse (who has to act quickly on behalf of a recently departed loved one) "We're so sorry but we bought the assets of that owner as they have gone bankrupt.  We are not honoring their prior clients but as we are often encountering this situation we would be willing to allow a 50% discount for our usual services.  To be honest I simply don't trust the industry anymore and especially a business who calls up and attempts to use scare tactics.

I then tell them that I've decided to engage a private crematorium who will be attending to our disposal with the premium service of allowing me to pick a personal enemy or highly disliked public figure whose yard, garden or breakfast my spouse and or I end up in.

Click!

[Art Blade]

 :-D

[nexor]

Now thats the mandru we know     

[Art Blade]

 :-D :-X

[PZ]

Now thats the mandru we know     

:-X :-X :-X

[mandru]

Coincidentally a letter arrived in the mail today from a local funeral home.  I haven't opened it I just tossed it over in the junk mail pile for shredding.  I assume they are trying to sell prepaid services.  ::)

I've half a mind to toss it back in the mail marked "Return to Sender - Addressee Missing: Presumed deceased".  ;D

[Art Blade]

 

[fragger]

Great stuff mandru :-X :-X :-X

[fragger]

Many years ago when I first took up motorcycling I was young, stupid and inexperienced. Inexperienced enough to not realise that it isn't advisable to go whizzing down a narrow street on a motorcycle at night at eighty kph with parked cars all along both sides. But I did, and was brought to an abrupt halt by a bear-sized german shepherd that had shot out from in front of a parked car and straight into my front wheel, bringing the bike to a very short stop. I decided to keep going however.

After a couple of seconds of horizontal free-fall I hit the road and rolled, tumbled and somersaulted for what felt like a good fifty metres or so before finally rolling to a stop alongside a white Volkswagen (amazing what details one notices in passing when one is ragdolling). Face-down in the street, totally winded and thus initially unable to move, I was cognizant enough to know where I was and what had just happened - and to hear the inevitable question:

"Hey - are you alright?"

The definition of exasperation - having a head full of sarcastic zingers but lacking the lungpower to give them utterance :D

"Yeah, I'm fine - just making sure my new helmet works".
"Yeah, I'm fine - the bike has no brakes and the only way I can stop is to find a big dog to run into".
"Yeah, I'm fine - I always spend my Saturday nights laying face-down in the road".
"Yeah, I'm fine - I'm a road surface inspector for the council, just doing my job".
"Yeah, I'm fine - since I'll never get to try the Vomit Comet this is the only way I can experience zero gee".
"Yeah, I'm fine - I'm a trainee stunt man and this is rehearsal night".

And so forth. As it was, all I could say was "Unnnggh".

[nexor]

 :lol

[nexor]

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'M A HALF-WIT."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?  You wouldn't ask them anything.  It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind.  Didn't see your sign."

It's like before my brother and I moved.  Our house was full of boxes and there was a Pickfords truck in our driveway.  My neighbour comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"  "Nope", we just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.  Here's your sign!"

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all those fish?"  "Nope.Talked 'em into giving up".  "Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.  There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.  "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."  "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a petrol station.  The 'pump jockey' walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he blurts, "Tyre go flat?"  I couldn't resist. I said, "Not On Your Life,  I was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me.  Here's your sign."

I was trying to sell my car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.  We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then yelped, "DAMN, that's hot!"  See?  If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him!

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days in the 'force'.  Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.  He went through his basic questioning... ok.. no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?"  I couldn't help myself. I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him took my sign off and said, "No. I'm delivering a bridge.  Here's your sign."

I stayed late at w@&k one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"  I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago.  Here's your sign."

[Art Blade]

Ah, nexor, at first I thought the content of the previous post was from your own experience yet I was already wondering why that "here's your sign" seemed to be so familiar and I thought I must've read some of them long ago on the net. The one with "those other three just swelled up on me" just sounded way too familiar so I checked here at OWG and found your very own post from December 12, 2011, on Barry Hilton in the jokes topic  :-() Also I checked on the net,

https://www.google.com/search?name=f&hl=en&q=I+was+driving+around+and+those+other+three+just+swelled+up+on+me.++Here%27s+your+sign.

and indeed there are truckloads of "here's your sign" type of stories with that catchphrase, including those you came up with.

Thanks for copy-pasting those. :)

[nexor]

I just changed a few out dated bad South African slang words he loves using 

[mandru]

  +1 for nex

"Tyre flat?"  My response has always been "Only on the bottom."


On a job I had years back I was trying to fill orders from product racks and a couple of the decision makers from the main office were making one of their regular visits to decide how to completely reorganize the placement things on the shelves (having actually never filled an order themselves) so that they could include the order filler's annoyance in their performance reviews to quantitize their efficacy (fancy double speak words for track & effectiveness) and make it appear that they were actually doing their highly over paid paid jobs.

At one point irritated that someone was trying to continue working while they were making notes in the narrow passage way one of them asked me sarcastically "Oh, are we in your way?"

Without missing a beat I responded flatly "Only mostly."